I feel like I am the last human to be smoking in this society that balks at it and righfully so. It kills us first of all and the people who do not choose to smoke just from second had smoke and that has taken me a long time that it is an actual fact my smoking has a first hand effect on someone elses life. That is a big resposibility to bear  and one I do not want to carry around anymore. I don’t want my grandchildren suffering from my smoking. I am ashamed of it. So why do I do it? BECAUSE I AM ADDICTED TO NICOTINE. So once again I am faced with another demon understanding I have no control over it once I smoke that first cigarette and after thirty years of smoking I have done substantial damage to my own body. Of course I haven’t tried to quit before and am only doing it now because my dr. told me I had to.  My daughter sara suggested to me today why not try hypnotism mom? I started laughing and said don’t you remember many years ago when you girls were in high school I tried that but she said you were very immature then mom. I would love to get inside of my daughters heads sometime just to see how they pereive me but at the same time I really don’t want to know. She was totally right I started drinking when I was 11 yrs old and did not stop until I was thirty five years old during that time my growth was stopped emotionally and maturely and I will be the first one to admit that I did not see myself as a woman not to mention a 35 yr old woman and yes I was very immature and in many ways I still am and I realize that when My kids say don’t do that mom or don’t say that. They hate saying that I embarass them but I know I do sometimes especially lately with the alzheimers. They have had a lot to deal with because of me but i know how much they love me too. We just keep facing our demons head on fighting all the way I am going back to the basics now and I am going to do what I have to in order to quit smaking, it’s not going to be pretty and I am not going to be such a nice person at times so here I go again. bye  eileen

4 Responses to “Powerless”

  1. sherry Says:

    Oh Eileen, how i can relate to you regarding the smoking. I have been feeling the same way; having given up all my negative coping mechanisms and addictions lately and trying to live a life addiction free, healthy, spiritual, and without relying on negative and unhealthy behaviors to cope with life; i find myself struggling with the fact that i am still smoking. HOnestly, most of the time i think “thank god for cigarettes” because that;s all i have left. On the other hand, i feel ashamed and guilty, and unhealthy for continuing to do it. I also worry about my health, my family hx of cancer with my father having both breast and just recently, lung cancer. I don’t know that i am ready to quit. I rationalize and tell myself “now is not a good time, since i have given up so much recently” and am trying to stay the course with the eating disorder. But, WHEN will be a good time? I empathize with you and i know its going to be extremely difficult for you. At the same time, look at everything else you have conquered and come through. I believe you can do this too. I do believe i can quit too if i just choose to and want to bad enough. I did it once for 4 years. I will tell you that i did it cold turkey and if you can get through the first 3 days of hell, then the rest is not too bad after that. SEriously. just 3 little days. After that the physical withdrawal is out of your system and it is much more manageable. Will they allow you to use the gum or patches? I have found that the gum works really well for me when i have tried again to quit. I figure even if i have to chew the gum forever, its not going to cause me any health problems and i won’t be smoking. Whatever you decide to do, i will support you and you can call me anytime. thinking of you and praying for you.

  2. admin Says:

    It’s me struggling as usual. It was easier getting off drugs and alcohol than it is cigarettes. I find myself obsessing all the time so I have decided to try chantix from what I hear it has worked for a lot of people and I will try anything at this time. I hope everyone had a great xmas mine was wonderful. I used to be able to keep on going and going some more the more pressure the more intense I would get and I could get a million and one things done but now I struggle getting just one thing done. I don’t know if I will have it in me to do all that I do for xmas after this year. I was having so much trouble staying on task remebering what I got done and what I had left to do. I became very frustrated because I couldn’t remember what I got for who. So next year will be differant I am going to do what I can and not put so much pressure on myself. I am trying to make up for what I didn’t have growing up and making sure my family has the best xmas and I just can not do it anymore these are my expectations not my families and they informed me that just being together and enjoying the grandchildren is enough for them so I have to ask myself who was I trying to please myself or my family and I think I know the answer to that question. Please pray for me with my smoking and Happy new year. love eileen

  3. Eileen Says:

    It is Eileen. I feel embarrassed about not being able to blog but my alzheimers does not allow it. But I fight this demon every day. The last five hrs. Has brought to me more challenges physically, all consequences of my addiction. Everything has gotten unbelieveably hard and harder. I mean just getting out of bed is hard, having relationships with my daughters who are absolutely wonderful to me so much that my oldest and her husband and my 4grandsons purchased a gorgeous new home but with a home attached to it that is also to nice for words which they bought with her dad and I in mind so that I will never end up in a nursing home. It makes me cry just telling this. Both girls and their husbands have become so supportive of my husband and myself. At 61 yrs old I have never felt so much love of course I do not feel worthy of all that my husband and daughters give to me every day. I could not be more proud and grateful today for everything I have. So now my need to get my book out there to people so that they know there is so much out there for us addicts. If anyone has ideas to make that happen I would welcome the feedback. Hope to be back soon. Eileen declemente

  4. eileen declemente Says:

    Well I am still powerless over alcohol and drugs. I am still obsessing about both drinking and drugin. My mind tells me no no no and then there is that other part of my brain that says “Its ok to do whatever I want” and does not work that way for me and my common sense look at the facts, eileen you have almost died a number of times and one of those times I did die for a short time and my awesome doctors managed to bring me back but boy they were mad at me. For some reason (i do not believe in coinsedents) in my life everything happens for a reason.That was not my bottom no I had to go another seven years destroying my self and hurting the people i love the most. All the years i was in my addiction and u would think that my little episode with death would wake me up. It didn’t i was in a place in my life that I hated everyone around me and i hated myself so much and my brain had already fried itself. Then there was a little angel who kept me alive. I am talking about this because I have been in a frame of mind lately that could kill me. I have had 3 operations and everyone they had to give me pain medicine but I was never allowed to touch those pills thats the crummy job my husband has all the managing me meds. I have to take them everyday but they are locked in a safe and curt does 7 days at a time and then he has to hide those. My point is that once an addict always an addict even after 27 yrs the urge haunts me and i feel ashamed even now because I still have to be monitered. This is how i live these days. I am hoping that the alzhiemers will affect me to the point of not remembering I have this problem

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