Archive for November, 2008

Learning to live with the consequences

Sunday, November 30th, 2008

“Learning to live with the consequences” however told, and by whom it has been told for a lot of peope can be taken in many ifferent ways, I beleive. When I was a child and it was said to me it was usually by my father or the nuns at school. I don’t know who I was more afraid of, but I’m pretty sure it would be the nuns, and it usually pertained to my homework, being preparer for a test or having all my class work done by the due date. For some reason all of those tasks were impossible for me to meet so I would get that same lecture at least once a week and it would torment me until I got it becasue I knew I deserved it, there was a process that had started.  That was over 40 yrs ago and it was not as easy for teacheres and school administrators to discover the learning disabilities that a lot of children had and I was one of those children that nobody knew what to do with. My schoolwork and homework was never completed or it was turned in all wrong, i could not prepare myself for a test so I would fail, so week after week my teachers would get very frustrated with me and tell me a dozen or so times “you will have to learn to live with the consequences of not completeing work young lady”.They were right so I waited for my consequences which came in many forms such as no playing outsude after school, not going to the same social stuff my sisters would go to. Well I think you get what I am saying. I grew up to see that whole process take over again.

This time it was about my behaviors but it all didn’t come together until today. I have to stop now I am very tired but I will continue this when I can. Eileen

Powerless

Monday, November 3rd, 2008

I feel like I am the last human to be smoking in this society that balks at it and righfully so. It kills us first of all and the people who do not choose to smoke just from second had smoke and that has taken me a long time that it is an actual fact my smoking has a first hand effect on someone elses life. That is a big resposibility to bear  and one I do not want to carry around anymore. I don’t want my grandchildren suffering from my smoking. I am ashamed of it. So why do I do it? BECAUSE I AM ADDICTED TO NICOTINE. So once again I am faced with another demon understanding I have no control over it once I smoke that first cigarette and after thirty years of smoking I have done substantial damage to my own body. Of course I haven’t tried to quit before and am only doing it now because my dr. told me I had to.  My daughter sara suggested to me today why not try hypnotism mom? I started laughing and said don’t you remember many years ago when you girls were in high school I tried that but she said you were very immature then mom. I would love to get inside of my daughters heads sometime just to see how they pereive me but at the same time I really don’t want to know. She was totally right I started drinking when I was 11 yrs old and did not stop until I was thirty five years old during that time my growth was stopped emotionally and maturely and I will be the first one to admit that I did not see myself as a woman not to mention a 35 yr old woman and yes I was very immature and in many ways I still am and I realize that when My kids say don’t do that mom or don’t say that. They hate saying that I embarass them but I know I do sometimes especially lately with the alzheimers. They have had a lot to deal with because of me but i know how much they love me too. We just keep facing our demons head on fighting all the way I am going back to the basics now and I am going to do what I have to in order to quit smaking, it’s not going to be pretty and I am not going to be such a nice person at times so here I go again. bye  eileen

November 1st

Saturday, November 1st, 2008

Well hello today is a important day for me my husband curtis and I have been married 34 years! I really beleive that is remarkable especially for us there were so many times we both wanted to throw in the towel but it was a good thing we both didn’t  feel like that at the same time. We definitely would have been divorced but what happened was when one of us was pissed off and ready to call it quits the other on wouldn’t let it happen. Any relationship needs work  and lots of it and that is one good example we have shown our girls its easier to walk out then it is to stay at it and work it out. We have been talking about this a lot today, it brings back so many memories for the two of us.  So we enjoyed the day and went to dinner we were disappointed in the dinner but enjoyed each others company. Our addiction has been haunting us lately in more ways than one and this is when it gets hard . So what do we do about that?  Any ideas? Anyone, if you have any please send them my way. You would be helping out a lot. Thanks Eileen

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