Help

January 13th, 2009

Hello everyone it’s eileen, I hope this is a good time for people. I am trying to bring some sanity  into my life the thing is I never had it so I don’t know what to look for. I’m still working on the cigarettes and i am pleased with how it is going. Someone from the Quitters smoking hotling has  been contacting me and that does help also. It’s always nice to talk to someone who has been where you are I feel like they really know what I am going through. I am staying with my dad lately, sunday thru thursday we have had fun. I am going to keep it short tonite so goodbye  eileen

Happy New Year

January 2nd, 2009

Well I hope everyone had a nice xmas and a happy new year. My family had a wonderful xmas the babies were so cute they just got all excited seeing the colors and the lights and tearing up all the paper. I just love watching them. They are what christmas is all about. We still have another boy coming in april, my daughter will have things a little hectic for a while. I am confident she will do well. My younger daughter wasm finally able to go on her honeymoon, she and lher husband were married in april but it wasn’t possible for either of them to take time off from their jobs.  I’m sorry I am afraid I can’t remeber the country they went to but I do know it took two days to get there and get home. They had a wonderful time and I get a lot of pleasrure out of watching my daughters be so content with their lives. They haven’t always been in that place they both went through rough times and of course I blame myself for that.

Well I am still baatling my addiction to cigarettes. But now my doctor gave me the ok to take the drug chantix which is supposed to make the cigarettes taste really bad. Let me tell you it works,  I still am getting that urge to smoke but when I do I can only take a few puffs and then I have to throw it out it tastes so bad. I feel so disappointed when that happens because I’m still hoping  to fill that urge for that cigarette now I have to deal with the fact it’s gone cigarettes will never taste the same and that is good as far as me quitting but I can already feel myself looking something else to fill that void.that is the addictive part of always wanting something to make me feel better and this is where I struggle with myself because I need to learn to be happy just being me. Well I will keep in touch.  Eileen

Learning to live with the consequences

November 30th, 2008

“Learning to live with the consequences” however told, and by whom it has been told for a lot of peope can be taken in many ifferent ways, I beleive. When I was a child and it was said to me it was usually by my father or the nuns at school. I don’t know who I was more afraid of, but I’m pretty sure it would be the nuns, and it usually pertained to my homework, being preparer for a test or having all my class work done by the due date. For some reason all of those tasks were impossible for me to meet so I would get that same lecture at least once a week and it would torment me until I got it becasue I knew I deserved it, there was a process that had started.  That was over 40 yrs ago and it was not as easy for teacheres and school administrators to discover the learning disabilities that a lot of children had and I was one of those children that nobody knew what to do with. My schoolwork and homework was never completed or it was turned in all wrong, i could not prepare myself for a test so I would fail, so week after week my teachers would get very frustrated with me and tell me a dozen or so times “you will have to learn to live with the consequences of not completeing work young lady”.They were right so I waited for my consequences which came in many forms such as no playing outsude after school, not going to the same social stuff my sisters would go to. Well I think you get what I am saying. I grew up to see that whole process take over again.

This time it was about my behaviors but it all didn’t come together until today. I have to stop now I am very tired but I will continue this when I can. Eileen

Powerless

November 3rd, 2008

I feel like I am the last human to be smoking in this society that balks at it and righfully so. It kills us first of all and the people who do not choose to smoke just from second had smoke and that has taken me a long time that it is an actual fact my smoking has a first hand effect on someone elses life. That is a big resposibility to bear  and one I do not want to carry around anymore. I don’t want my grandchildren suffering from my smoking. I am ashamed of it. So why do I do it? BECAUSE I AM ADDICTED TO NICOTINE. So once again I am faced with another demon understanding I have no control over it once I smoke that first cigarette and after thirty years of smoking I have done substantial damage to my own body. Of course I haven’t tried to quit before and am only doing it now because my dr. told me I had to.  My daughter sara suggested to me today why not try hypnotism mom? I started laughing and said don’t you remember many years ago when you girls were in high school I tried that but she said you were very immature then mom. I would love to get inside of my daughters heads sometime just to see how they pereive me but at the same time I really don’t want to know. She was totally right I started drinking when I was 11 yrs old and did not stop until I was thirty five years old during that time my growth was stopped emotionally and maturely and I will be the first one to admit that I did not see myself as a woman not to mention a 35 yr old woman and yes I was very immature and in many ways I still am and I realize that when My kids say don’t do that mom or don’t say that. They hate saying that I embarass them but I know I do sometimes especially lately with the alzheimers. They have had a lot to deal with because of me but i know how much they love me too. We just keep facing our demons head on fighting all the way I am going back to the basics now and I am going to do what I have to in order to quit smaking, it’s not going to be pretty and I am not going to be such a nice person at times so here I go again. bye  eileen

November 1st

November 1st, 2008

Well hello today is a important day for me my husband curtis and I have been married 34 years! I really beleive that is remarkable especially for us there were so many times we both wanted to throw in the towel but it was a good thing we both didn’t  feel like that at the same time. We definitely would have been divorced but what happened was when one of us was pissed off and ready to call it quits the other on wouldn’t let it happen. Any relationship needs work  and lots of it and that is one good example we have shown our girls its easier to walk out then it is to stay at it and work it out. We have been talking about this a lot today, it brings back so many memories for the two of us.  So we enjoyed the day and went to dinner we were disappointed in the dinner but enjoyed each others company. Our addiction has been haunting us lately in more ways than one and this is when it gets hard . So what do we do about that?  Any ideas? Anyone, if you have any please send them my way. You would be helping out a lot. Thanks Eileen

Addiction

September 11th, 2008

Hello it’s eileen!

Before I get into whats been going on I would like to tell anyone that I will be at St. Josephs hospital Sept. 18th from 9am till ? I will be at the hospitals 100th anniversary and it is a very special place for me. New Dawn the rehab I went to is there on the 6th floor and I have been asked to come and do a book signing and I was so excited that  they asked me. That is where I was given the chance to live or die. I had spent weeks in detox prior to my admittance in new dawn and I was shocked I had never heard of rehab or knew anything about what happens there but I soon found out. That was twenty years ago. The people there the counselors the floor nurse who i just saw recently she was awesome and my fellow patients who became friends of mine something that I had not experienced too much prior to my stay there. I remember everyone it is impossible to forget any of that time in my life and all those people helped save my life and I  get  such a great feeling everytime I think about going there again. So if you would like to attend  you need to call new dawn and register there will also be another speaker at 10 am  Tom Paul.  Also I happily received a invite to Barnes and Noble in Horseheads  New York to be part of  a local authors book signing Oct 11th  and they will then start selling my book. That was very exciting news also.

You won’t beleive this

August 25th, 2008

Well there is never a dull moment in our lives. The twins are three and a half months old and cute as hell But boy are they a lot of work. I am over to missy’s house every day helping her there is so much to do. The new news is she is PREGNANT AGAIN> Eight weeks along and she is in shock. We have known now for about five days and I am excited. She has a lot of support myself , my husband and sara her sister. My husband just went through getting off pain medication by taking suboxene and he is like a different person and I am so happy. Addiction runs our lives every time I turn around it is there staring me in the face in some shape  or form. I would love to hear from other people who live with this demon. Please share your thoughts and experiences with me and others we all need to hear it.  Thanks   Eileen

A new read

August 17th, 2008

Hi  I had the wonderful oppurtunity to spend a day signing books with another author from this area. His name Andrew Seubert. He just had his book come out “The Courage To Feel” it’s a wonderful book and for me it pointed out how we think about our feelings and feel our feelings and for me what I had was one of those Ah! Ah! moments where I realized I been doing a lot more thinking than feeling. Of course this is not all the book has to say it has many things to say and I reccomend it to everyone. It is marvelous. Well as can imagine I have been self analyzing myself ever since I started reading this book sometimes that can get dangerrous for me so I have to let up and things flow for a while.  Now for the rest of my life things  have been crazy as usual. I do want to say thank you to sherry for that nice note she wrote about my family I was very flattered and those were very nice things you  said. The twins are getting so big and cuter every day. I see them almost every day except for the last couple of days I have been sick as usual it seems I am getting sick all the time anymore ane it is getting me very frustrated. My younger daughter sara was here today and I was in bed sick again. I feel lke everytime she comes I am sick. Between my immune system and my memory I almost feel like laughing at myself. I forget everything and loose everything. I spend the majority of my time looking for everything I own or trying to remember who I am supposed to call or email or what I have to do as far as my book goes.  My husband just went through a hard time lately . He has problems with his legs from being on them all the time he has owned our restaurant we have now for  15 years and it has taken a toll on him. He had been on some pain medication he didn’t like and  wanted off of it but he had to be monitored off it so that made for a tense environment for a while. I feel like addiction comes up in our family a lot of course he didn’t feel he was addicted because he was prescribed them by Dr. but I know that whole story. Anyway its over hes off of them and he is much better.  I am going to say goodnight for now. I have pages of resources for facts, help and education of addiction and I will be putting them up this week  Than you for your patience.   Eileen Declemente

Are you willing?

August 3rd, 2008

Hi everyone it has been a while since anyone has visited me and been a while since I have visited me. I wonder what that is all about? Could it be me? I wonder that sometimes. Alot of what I like to talk about is sometimes threating to people or it is just subjects that no on likes to talk about maybe.

My life has been crazy as usual I did a  book signing last weekend saturday and sunday and it was wonderful. One of the great people who bought my book and read it gave me a beautiful gift it is a little bear handmade into a gaurdian  angel bear and it is wonderful in fact I got a chain and am wearing it  around my neck. Ijust love it and things like that people do make me speechless and that is something new to me. I have gotten wonderful feedback regarding my book and how people have related to it and it feels so good because that was my whole intention. We are in  the process of getting photos of the twins on our family gallery those boys as well as my five yr old grandson are precious. So soon to come they will be.  I will be back soon. Eileen

Things change fast

July 21st, 2008

I am pretty frustrated with life right now and the people in my life.Unfortuneately I am one of those who does not know how to say no especially to my famlily. It’s about time I realize it and do something. For a family who loves each other so much we are pretty quick to let the dysfunction run rapid when things get crazy. I seem to allow myself to be the punching bag and I am assuming that is because of the guilt I still carry around. During this time of learning to deal with my alzheimer’s by seeing a counselor and a good one at that I need to start learning to treat myself a little better and then the others will follow hopefully.  Thanks for letting me think outloud.   eileen

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